


Heather's Diary - Keep Out

by Ellflc



Category: Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: Bullying, Canonical Character Death, Depression, F/M, Happy Ending, Heavy Depression, High School, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, POV Female Character, POV First Person, POV Heather McNamara, Queer Themes, Queerplatonic Relationships, Self-Harm, Slut Shaming, Song: Shine a Light (Heathers), Suicide Attempt, Therapy, Timeline What Timeline, heather mac is a cinnamon roll tho, lifeboat reference, protect the smol bean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2018-10-09
Packaged: 2018-12-26 14:49:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12061197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellflc/pseuds/Ellflc
Summary: What if there was some way of looking inside the mind of one of the most interesting characters of Heathers? Well, I've managed to gain entry into Heather MacNamara's diary from the day after Heather's death and I'm prepared to share with you all what her thoughts and feelings were after the death that started it all.





	1. What the hell just happened?

Dear Diary, 

Holy fucking shit. I think the biggest thing in my life just happened. I was walking with Heather to school, when all of a sudden one of the stoner chicks (god, I never remember their names) ran up to us with huge news. I mean, bigger than the news that the new kid beat up Ram and Kurt. Apparently, Heather killed herself last night by drinking drain cleaner? I mean, nobody even knew at all that she felt like this. Not me or Heather. But, we all got a copy of the suicide note and she really was suffering. I mean, there was some dark shit in there. Poor Heather. 

This has really changed things here at school. I mean, who's going to run the school now? We'll try, but it's just not the same without Heather. We did everything together, trading make-up, secrets about boys, and of course bitching about girls like Martha Dumptruck. Nothing feels right without her anymore. We even cleared out her locker today, and all the memories came pouring back, like the one trip all three of us drove to Sacramento and got wasted on vodka before crashing Heather's car. That was great. School's going to be so weird now. Still, at least I've got Heather with me. She's taken this remarkably well, not showing any weakness or grief. Hopefully I can do the same. 

Anyways, that's the main news today. I mean, we had to all have 'therapy' in the cafeteria with Miss Hippie which sucked, but that was only for half an hour and besides, it was just mainly her talking about our feelings and shit like that. We did get a half day as well, which wasn't so bad. God, school's going to be so boring without Heather now. I do miss her, I really do. I miss her overtime I make a joke, or Heather vomits, or every single time Martha opens her mouth. Veronica looked really weird today too. Guess that's just grief for you, makes you behave weirdly. Homework now, so unfair. I mean, this is traumatic for all of us, they have no right to make us study! Well, I should probably go do it now, and then maybe talk to Kurt or Heather. 

Bye for now!


	2. Drunk x horny is not a good combo

Dear Diary,

Today was another hectic day, filled with really stressful things. School just felt weird, because Heather was just such a big part of it. I mean, who else could simultaneously flirt with Ram and Kurt whilst bullying nerds? She was always the alpha. Don't get me wrong, I miss her more than anyone else, but in a way I'm almost glad she's gone. I know that sounds really horrible but it's just that she was so controlling and manipulative. With her gone, I feel like I have room to breathe without hearing her voice shout at me. She could get really scary sometimes, especially towards Heather.

Oh, I almost forgot. Basically, Ram, Kurt, Heather and I were planning to meet at the cemetery to get drunk together and remember and celebrate Heather's life. But, when Heather and I got there, Ram and Kurt had drunk all the booze! It was so annoying. I mean, they could've and should've saved some for us, right? They were so drunk they started chasing us and trying to have sex with us. Obviously, we were not in the mood but they would not listen to us at all. In the end, I had to do something. I called Veronica and put on my best scared voice, before telling her to meet us at the cemetery ASAP. I know it may sound bad, but at least I'm not the one getting date-raped, right?!

When she arrived there, Heather and I were trapped, locked in the car. She desperately pleaded with us to open the door for her, and I almost did because she looked terrified of them. Luckily, she's quite smart and managed to convince Ram and Kurt to drink until they passed out. Really clever, I must say. I hope she doesn't yell at us tomorrow. We had enough yelling with Heather, and it was not fun at all. I mean, I do feel kinda bad but she did manage to find her way out, so not like she did get date-raped. I know, I know, we should've helped her but Ram and Kurt were really scary! If we'd stepped out of the car, they would've started chasing us and who knows what would've happened? Ew, even thinking it makes me sick. They can be huge idiots sometimes, but I still love them. Well, I gotta go sleep now because a tired popular girl is not a happy popular girl. Even if she does have her highly-caffeinated coffee.

Bye now


	3. Gay, straight, what's the correct answer?!

Dear diary,

Why is life pushing me so hard? It's like, I have one normal day then something crazy happens again! I really liked Kurt and yeah, maybe he assaulted me but he was my boyfriend. We went on three dates! But, it doesn't even matter anymore. Because now everyone at school knows who he really liked. Ram. They were found dead together. Two more suicides and it's not even Christmas. Turns out they were gay lovers and decided not to live in such a horrible world. I thought that only happened on TV, not in the town you've lived in your whole life. It feels different from when Heather died though. Like, Kurt was a big part of my life. He would always glare at other guys looking at me, and even when we were little kids he would ask me out every lunchtime. I miss him so much. 

Everything is so daunting now. I can't even walk to class without seeing ten people stare at me, or hear my name whispered once. The weirdest thing is Heather. She doesn't look upset and I don't think I've seen her cry once. She just feels like the queen bee. And I do think it's unfair - why should I be the only one upset by the deaths? But, you know I could never tell her. She could ruin my life! I truly believe that red scrunchie gives people powers. That's how Heather was able to rule the school as a sophomore. God, I miss her too. I miss everyone who's died so far! Why is it always the pretty ones who die? We're the ones who are supposed to do well in life. 

I wonder who's next. Maybe Heather, maybe Veronica, maybe that weird emo kid she's always with. He looks like the type to make a big statement about society or school or whatever. Anyways, I should sleep. Even if my dreams are full of memories with Kurt. Woohoo. 

Bye.


	4. Who cares about a stupid diary title.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This extract is taken the night before the therapy session with Miss Fleming.
> 
> Warning for self-harm and depression and other unpleasant thoughts.
> 
> If you are struggling like Heather here, please get help or tell someone -nobody should have to suffer in silence.

Dear Diary,

I think I need help. I just don't want to be part of this stupid high school anymore. Nothing helps at all, all I can think about are Heather and Ram and Kurt. They're such assholes for just giving up like that! My life feels like a train wreck now. I get the freaking bus everyday because I don't have Kurt or Ram or Heather to drive me, and as for Heather...I can't even tell who she is anymore. These deaths have put everything into perspective for me now. When Heather was telling us what to do, it felt almost natural but now whenever Heather does it, it just feels manipulative. I feel like I'm this puppet for everyone to use - Heather, the high school, my parents. Not like my dad ever notices. He just buys me things instead of ever checking in on me. God, people would kill to be me so why am I so miserable?! 

It really hurts writing this, for the record. Who knew cutting would be so painful? Ok, that's a stupid question, most people knew. Seems we all have our unhealthy ways to cope now. Veronica has being a slut, Heather has binge-eating and well, now I have my trusty razor. Hooray. I was almost scared at first, considering how much blood there was. Now it just feels like an addiction. Like, I have to do it. The one thing that really scares me is how numb I feel sometimes. And i can't tell anyone because I'm a Heather. Heathers aren't weak and depressed and thinking about killing themselves every time they force themselves to get up. I have about one second in the morning, when I wake up and think 'oh wow, today seems like a good day' before all the thoughts of Heather and Ram and Kurt and having to face high school come flooding back and make me feel nauseous and I want to scream so loud. 

We have that weird therapy session thing with Miss Fleming tomorrow. It's going to be televised and everything, which is cool but I wouldn't want to share anything on national TV. Everyone would know and my life would be practically over. Could you imagine?! 

So, how am I now? That's what they ask in therapy, right? It's difficult to say. I feel like i'm supposed to be one of those greek goddesses towering above everyone else on that mountain but I'm so close to simply falling off the side and tumbling to a breakdown. Wait no, I don't like that one. Maybe like someone in a lifeboat. Yeah, a lifeboat in a stormy ocean. With everyone else in school and if they sense one crack, they'll throw me off and I'll just sink and sink and sink until nobody realises who I am anymore. I'll just be some drowned girl in their eyes, the lowest of the low. It's not like anyone has each other in the raft, no it's every man for themselves. But I'm definitely one of the most vulnerable so it'll be my turn soon. I can see it in their eyes. 

Goodbye, diary. We'll see if I'll be back to write for tomorrow. Who knows?


End file.
